Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
