How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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