Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
