To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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