I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
