hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
