Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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