I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
