I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
