And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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