3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
