I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
