How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
