we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
