When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
True strength comes from lack of pants
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
