for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
