I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
