I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
