There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
