Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
