Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
