Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
