The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
