he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
