Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
