I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ambien. No doubt about it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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