just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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