hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm really busy with my period
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