Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
