I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
