just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
