mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.