I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions