i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me