Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
