the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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