apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
