Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
As shirtless as possible
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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