I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
