Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
