I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
