I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
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You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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