Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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