I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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