I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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