I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
