I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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