Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
