I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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