This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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