My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
