I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
