the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
