Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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