I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
