**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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