I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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