Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
